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Wednesday, September 28, 2022

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In the margins with Aunt Dolores

A squadron of angry East Bayers dressed in green rose around me in united fear. I was also excited. Josh Reddick had just dropped an easy catch in the outfield – a mistake that would eventually cost the Oakland Athletics the game on this otherwise idyllic Sunday afternoon. I peered through my airmen at the spectacle of sun-baked agitators, and I taunted them. Damn, whooping is fun.

But I was too green to give anything that looked like half a real fuck.

As I sipped beer with friends in the summer menagerie of sweaty, sexy, and frantic baseball fans, I had scooped Aunt Dolores’ glazed pecans into my mouth. The sweet and light pot snacks pack the fun punch of a ballerina’s tickle, just enough to keep the momentum of a pregame bowl going outside the stadium.

Later, after we left the Colosseum, your editor and I would finally go through the shared package, enjoying the fruits of our efforts as we watched a lazy North Beach evening unfold in a window seat at Maggie McGarry’s. We were buzzing; our prose was listless. But we still stood. We still enjoyed the gentle tickling in our braincase when we stopped.

A few days later, my brothers and I tried something different. On another sunny and lazy day, this time in a backyard in the Upper Haight, we ate on Aunt Dolores’ cheese crackers. The package looked like the plastic bag with pecans. But when Auntie’s pecans caused a perceptive tingle, these bad guys would reach into our gray matter and rip our neurons from their rightful place. Each small cracker contains 25mg of THC – after a few crackers you might as well have popped a few joints in your mouth.

The crackers taste good enough, but no amount of cheddar, butter, rice flour and xanthum gum will ever be enough to drown out the overpowering flavor of the main ingredient – Mary Jane’s potent nectar.
Glazed Pecans

Our distraction this afternoon was board games. It was a challenge. I don’t know how many times my brother had to explain the basic tactics of backgammon to me, but I know he was very patient. That could be because he was in the same boat as me, and had the board set up all wrong for the third or fourth time, despite his adherence to best practice and strategy.

The games became hopeless and our munchies wouldn’t stop. We strolled into the sunny yard behind Sparrow Bar and Kitchen, where we tried long enough to stop giggling like eight-ball babies to order sandwiches. We got there eventually. I can’t remember if the server was impatient, or if I was in the midst of a blissful bout of paranoia, but I suspect it was all my fault; none of him. We chewed each time the giggles let us down, struggled with the bill, and then headed back to a living room for a hearty multi-hour nap.

Next time I want to enjoy a sunny day at the park or at the game, I’ll suck in some more pecans. But if you’d rather enter a sleepy world of borderline anesthesia, pass those notes. You’re more of a cheesy-cracker kind of stoner.

GET WHAT (delicacy)

Aunt Dolores’ Gluten-Free Cheese Crackers
500mg per pack
(25mg per cracker)

Aunt Dolores’ glazed pecans
100 mg per package (about 5 mg per pecan)

Available at: Check your favorite pharmacy or delivery service

Photos courtesy of Aunt Dolores

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